My Little Blue Book

So most of you know that we made this bet to do stand up comedy at an open mic night - three of us did, and the rest, well... they're chickens, and I won't accept any other explanation...

But that's not what this is about - after we made the decision, a comedian friend of Roy's told us that if we ever wanted to be real about it, we should carry a little notebook to record things that occur to us to have humorous merit (not to be confused with humerous merit, which is what you get when you drink milk...)

Now, I've done this notebook thing for most of my life (Joyce can testify) but had been lax for a while and this sparked in me a renewed effort... So today, in the spirit of another possible open mic night tomorrow, I am going to present some of the thoughts, written verbatim, from my book, and if you tell me which ones you like (assuming there are any that are worth anything) I'll try to either make them into a full blog entry or even part of a standup joke... Oh, and you may have heard a few of them before... sometimes I post these things on Facebook...

So here we go:

1. Someone threw tomatoes at Sarah Palin during her book signing - does anyone else think that's kinda disrepspectful... to the tomatoes?

2. There's a Toyota-thon going on right now - does anyone remember a time when there's NOT a Toyota-thon going on?

3. If I had a blind friend who wanted to go to the Grand Canyon, I wouldn't take him. BUT, I'm a good friend, so I WOULD tell him we were going...

4. Oh unicorn turds

5. Born with it? Learned it? Whatever, but at least a PORTION of being gay has to be a choice right, like the wearing buttless leather chaps, or being a flight attendant?

6. The short answer is no... the long answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

7. This cereal is so cerealy.

8. Defensive Frenchman = patriot (nope, have no idea where this came from or to what it refers)

9. There should be a label on skinny jeans: "If your butt is _______ big or if you are ______ old, please do not put these on your body."

10. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket" is just propaganda from the American Council of Basket Makers.

11. The guy pulled the race card and said, "Is it because I'm ASAIN?" Yeah - that's the reason, cause we're really worried about what a Stanford sophomore might have in his extra carry-on bag...

12. Why is Ke$ha singing about kicking men to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger... I guess there is such a thing as fetishizing septegenarians...

13. And while we're on Ke$ha - what would her name be in Britain?

14. A family is like a team, and a parent is only really as smart as his dumbest kid - so if Kid One wins a Nobel prize, and Kid Two gets robbed by a hooker, you've failed...

15. There's a difference between optimism and reality - eventually, the world poops on everyone - pretending it isn't poop doesn't make you an optimist, it makes you a moron.

16. A missionary companion of mine got kicked my a mule while we were in Guatemala - broke us rib and on top of that he had to get GUATEMALAN medical help, but not before he punched it in the face. My point? It's an ingrown toenail - stop whining...

17. No one cares about what your cell phone can do, so stop bragging - you bought the thing, you didn't invent it... anyone can buy the thing - so I guess you can brag about having had $200 - but that'll probably make you a DB...

Monday, March 1, 2010