Animal Testing

So as most of you know, I've been working on one or another blog entry for a while, meaning basically I put an idea into a tentative post, to go back and develop later when I have nothing else to blog about...

So... in California, there are animal rights activists - so much so that even the homeless have pets, much to the chagrin of Roy... At any rate, I started thinking about animals and all they do for us - as you know, I'm not a pet person, but I like animals... for food and circuses and whatnot...

The other day I was watching an infomercial that claimed the super shampoo they were selling (sidenote: quick RIP to Billy Mays... that dude was awesome, and the embodiment of the American dream... Seriously, check out wikipedia... I mean, he's gotta have the Pearly Gates looking sparkly clean by now, don't you think??) Anyway, the shampoo was "not tested on animals" - which prompted the following thought process:Who cares? And why is this important enough to mention in trying to sell our stuff?

Well it's important because it's controversial...

But why is it controversial??

Because it's the scientists and big pharm vs. the animals...

Who has the better gripe??

I think the animals do, but only for one reason: scientists are idiots, and Tiff is right not to trust them... (Follow me here...)

The problem with animal testing arises from a misunderstanding of the word 'testing...' To me, 'testing' something means using something in the manner it was intended to be used, to see if you get the desired result... So to test shampoo on a monkey, you would first shampoo the monkey's hair - then rinse the monkey - and finally smell the monkey to see if the monkey still smells like a monkey...

If, rather than smelling like a combination of monkey sweat and poo, the monkey now smells like a combination of strawberries and wildflowers - success! Otherwise, it's back to the lab again...

The animal rights folks will lead you to believe horror stories about how scientists smear shampoo directly into the monkey's eyes to see how they'll react, but I think that such cases are probably rare, and result mainly from inadequate training of the scientists...

Maybe the scientists just need to be told what shampoo is actually for, and that they can assume that having shampoo smeared into your eyes (or your monkey's eyes) is going to hurt like hell, so they don't really need to test for that... I suggest giving the shampoo testing scientists the following checklist:

The first box is already checked, so they'd be like, "Oh, that's right, I don't have to worry about that one..."

But alas, the scientists don't share all the blame... I also think that the animal rights activists haven't thought through the ramifications of NOT testing products on animals...

If we can't use human shampoo on monkeys, then what are we supposed to use to clean our monkeys? Monkey shampoo, right? Well who do you think they test monkey shampoo on, genius?? It's a vicious cycle where we all end up dirty and smelling like stank instead of honeysuckle and vanilla.. and by "we" I mean all things possible...

The way it is, each species should be allowed to pick another species to stand in for it during testing: so humans could pick monkeys, monkeys could pick dogs, dogs could pick cats... all the way down to the animals that don't know any better, like the cockroach and people who watch The Bachelor...

The whole schlemoyle basically comes down to is this: every product is tested on somebody (read: something...) If your shampoo wasn't tested on animals, then guess what? It was tested on humans.... There isn't really any alternative, is there?

If the first bottle of Generic Shampoo X rolls off the assembly line without Generic Shampoo X ever having touched the head of some animal, then you the consumer are the lucky animal who gets to test it... (sidenote: if the product is named Generic Shampoo X, then

there's a good chance that there are some monkeys working in the marketing department - I mean come on, put some effort into it...)

Now I'm not necessarily opposed to testing shampoo on humans, but it doesn't seem like an improvement over animal testing unless I get to pick the humans...

I would start with the crowd down at the bus station, and move onto skinny jeans guy and then go to guy who wears his baseball cap to the prom... and for the latter two groups, I'd require the eye-smearing test on principle.

I gotta be honest though - don't shampoo monkeys have a pretty great life compared to their caged brethren?? I imagine the conversation that would go on between an escaped test animal and his wilderness-dwelling cousin:

Wild Monkey: Hey man, where you been?

Test Monkey: Dude, I got tranq'd and carted off to a shampoo testing lab.

Wild Monkey: Fo' realsies? That sounds terrible...

Test Monkey: Yeah, I got shampoo'd like six times a day - I smelled like freaking strawberries and wildflowers...

Wild Monkey: Man that sucks...

Test Monkey: Yeah, and that was bad enough, but then some new guy smeared shampoo in my eyes. My EYES - can you believe it?.

Wild Monkey: Wow.

Test Monkey: I know - it's like... read the checklist bro!! Anyways, I had enough of that, so I escaped. So... what happened to your leg?

Wild Monkey: Cheetah ate it.

Test Monkey: Bummer.

Felt Family Remodel: Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Deal with 107 Degree Heat

So as the majority of people who read my blog (all seven of you) know, we've been remodeling Matt and Kellie's place because of their upcoming munchkin - due sometime in the middle of August (though Kellie is WAY preggers, and it could be any day now...)

At any rate, we're totally redoing the place while they're staying at Matt's parents' place while they (Matt's parents) are in Hawaii for their annual "Let's Go to Hawaii and Lounge in Luxury in Lahaina" trip that generally lasts about a month... sometimes longer... So we have about three weeks to finish...

Kellie basically with Tiff's help packed up all their stuff and moved it all to one of four locations: Bragg Woods, Joe's garage, my shed and my kitchen... because neither of those places really gets used... except the kitchen... that's where I keep my Flav-R-Ices, bottled water and frozen peas (for icing down after my runs) but that's about it... Oh, and my collection of paper plates and Solo cups left over from the campaign...

After the packing we started last Saturday with massive demo and took out the following from the house:

1. The Rotted Floors

2. The 1970's-era Wood Paneling

3. The Entire Kitchen

4. The Entire Main Bathroom

5. The Entire Baby's Room (including knocking out the closet and bathroom)

6. The Interior Doors

7. Thirteen Gallons of Sweat (donated by all of us working...)

So this is after all the wall panelling was taken out... notice the floating light sconces that we simply hammered around...

This is where the kitchen used to be... this is right before we took up the floorboards... notice the sink plumbing and the rotted wall joists... those are fun to deal with... taking down wall panelling and taking up floors while you have old fiberglass insulation and mold to deal with = awesome!!

This is the master bedroom after the rotted floors got taken up - again, this is EXACTLY what you want your wood to look like underneath the floorboards and walls...

And now we come to the truly interesting part... if there is one... this is a generic picture of Matt and Paul working on the bathroom... notice that Paul is drawing something on the floor here in sharpie...

Perhaps you'd like a better look...

That's right, it's the schematic for what we (read, Paul) need to do to move the toilet a foot and a half to the left...

So we all head to Home Depot to get the parts, and the we all realize how much trouble we're in when Paul stares intently at every single pipe part... Paul, can I get you a snarfblat so you don't just stare the whole time?? Got very boring...

So in order to move the toilet a foot and a half, there had to be some surgery done on the piping... namely, we had to cut the sewer line (read: sh*tpipe) and extend it... easier said than done, or should I say, yes, it's as gross as it sounds... And yes, one of us took the opportunity to pee into the open sewage line... pixelated for your benefit... though as Paul says, I could have used only one pixel and it would have been fine...

At any rate, Ryan took the following amateur video to tell you just how noxious it was... warning... there is some language here...

That was our first day... I know all of you are OH SO interested in this, so I'll keep you updated...

Just pray for us, cause on Saturday is was 107... and that place gets HOT!

Michael Jackson Dead In L.A. After Heart Attack

Michael Jackson was pronounced dead a few minutes ago at an L.A. hospital after being rushed in an ambulance that responded to an apparent heart attack... he was 50 years old - more details and a more detailed posting tomorrow...

As I'll remember him...

Giants vs. A's

So no, it's not that common to come away from games with balls...

But I haven't been to AT&T Park yet without bringing one home...

Yup...

Kumquats, My Marathon and Friday Miscellany

So last night we finally had a Kumquats victory - WOOT!

We played a team called "Generation Gap" which was basically just like us but with Latinos and about seven Roys instead of just one (sidenote: Roy is a 40+ guy that plays on our team... which you would think would be a good deal older than the rest of us, but the truth is our team is basically an age rainbow right now - we have, and I'm estimating here; 18-19 year olds (Mallory, Amanda and Kimberly), 20-22 year olds (Crystal and Russ), 23-25 year olds (Ryan and Scott), 26-29 year olds (D and yours truly), 30-34 year olds (Matt, Joe, Tim and Nick), mid-30 year olds (Monica and Jenner) and 40+ (Roy) - see, we're all-inclusive - really the most inclusive of any team out there I'd say... we're also the most tolerant... and the most fun... and the loudest... and have the most pregnant spectators (not in number, but in volume of pregnancy)... 

Anyway, we won 3-1, Scott scored a hat trick and I got scored on after Ryan tripped a dude with a clear path to the goal inside the box for a penalty kick - that made it 1-1 with about 15 minutes to go before Scott added his next two goals to bail his brother-in-law out (Scott is Ashley's twin brother... what? you have a twin??)

So we're back in the win column despite (or maybe because of...) Matt and Kell being in Utah for her Utah person's baby shower...

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I just got the pics from my marathon two weeks ago and I'm posting a few here... luckily they didn't capture my moment of panic at about mile 22 when I had to stop, stretch and refuel before starting out again at a pretty slow pace... 

I guess I really haven't described the marathon that much - to me, finishing a race is amazing - there's seriously no better feeling in the world, especially considering all the hard work you put into a daily routine, eating right, getting the right amount of rest, etc...

But the marathon is different.  There's even more euphoria at the end... seriously, you've never been as happy as when you're finishing a marathon... but to me it's one of the most intrinsic, self-reflective, personal things I can do, which is why aside from talking about training runs, finishing and maybe a quick anecdote, you won't hear me talk much about the experience...

It may be selfish, but it's for me... not you...

No, this picture doesn't make running look like fun, and the truth is it's not, but finishing that race... that's where the fun comes from...

This is me at the finish - because there were so many people running the race (50,000+ in one of the biggest in the world), it took me a full seven minutes to get to the start line after the race started, thus the difference in the clock time and my finish time of 4:11.23...

My next marathon (remember, the goal is to run the top 10 marathons in the country, including Boston where you have to qualify with a 3:10.59 or better) is in January at the Walt Disney World Marathon in Orlando... I've signed up or a bunch of halves before that as tune-ups, and my goal for WDW is sub-4:00.00... 

I'm sure I'll be writing about my training progression (I started a new program this past Monday that's supposed to make me faster...)

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I guess I'll end with this note that's been hanging out in what I call the "Sock Drawer" which is basically where I keep all my ideas for random blog entries that really don't fit in a category:

It rained here a little bit a few weeks ago, and it was drizzling on the first leg of the marathon... which I didn't like... And people were trying to be optimistic about it... Kudos to them...

But the next time someone starts complaining about how windy it is, I'm just going to say, "Sure, but on the other hand, we could really use the air..." and see if it annoys them as much as it annoys me when people say the same about rain...

$1 Hot Dog Night Extravaganza!!

So I'm at the A's game tonight with my buddy Noah from SC and we just HAPPENED to come on $1 hot dog night...

I know I'm supposed to be eating healthy for training and all, but I
just can't pass up a good deal...

So I got ten...

...and now I feel a little sick...

NATIONAL DONUT DAY!!

So I get a call this morning on my way to work from my uncle Jamie (sidenote: to really understand how this conversation went – and really most conversations with Jamus go – all you need to do is picture an ultra-excitable toddler who’s about to take that first glorious bite of ice-cream – all big-eyed and wonder-filled... not yet fully knowing, but sensing... anticipating... maybe forestalling for just a microsecond the jubilee that's sure to ensue, but anxiously and excitedly bating his breath as he knows... somethin' good's about to go down... that’s pretty much how my uncle lives every day of his life.) 

Anyway, I get this call on the way to work and after some mix-up with the dates (is it the 5^th or the 6^th??) he finally gets around to telling me that, yes… at long last… it’s here…

NATIONAL DONUT DAY!! – A day that bring all of us together, from the lowliest Homer to the mightiest Mr. Burns.

What (read: Hwat) day could fit in better with my week’s theme of eating whatever the hell I want to?? How glorious is this? What more appropriate Kismet has Zeus seen to reign down upon me??

So my uncle challenges me to eat a dozen donuts in keeping with the theme of the week (which, btw – has been incredibly well-received, and not one person seems to be worried about my health… huh…) and I accept…

So I start out with my dozen donuts arranged in front of me… I have as follows: three plain glazed, two chocolate frosted, two crueler glazed, one sugar coated, one chocolate old-fashioned, one old-fashioned glazed, one pink frosted and one maple frosted crueler.  Really I cleaned out the place across the street or I would have had a much better mix…

And dig in, face first, no hands necessary, pie-eating contest style…

But I soon slow at that and have to simple resort to eating them by hand… NOTICE THE INTENSITY... that's what I bring, baby... you don't want to mess with those crazy eyes...

By the fourth my intensity is waning… It’s not as easy to do as I though – plus, I think the week’s eating an inordinate amount of calories may be catching up to me…

Turns out I couldn’t do it… I got to seven and had to call no joy… I didn’t throw up though, which I guess is a bonus…

Now I s’pose I’ll just wait for that sugar rush to get here… and then the crash…

BTW – the donuts that I ate adds up to about 2,300 calories… all before 9:30 in the morning…

(Sidenote: today in honor of what the dutch settlers called olykoeks, stop by Krispy Kreme and get a free one of your choice, no questions asked… or stop by Dunkin Donuts and get a free one with a beverage purchase…)

Post-Marathon Eating Extravaganza!!

So I decided that before I ran my marathon I would take a break from running afterward – because I’d been training hard, running every day I was supposed to, cross-training and eating (relatively) right… I mean, still no veggies but  really, what good would they do??

Anyway, because of the toil I decided that if I hit my goal I would take a week off and not run at all unless I really felt like it, and I would eat anything I wanted – you know, all the stuff that I had been denying myself in favor of more healthy fare…

So on Monday I started my week… I wanted to give you a round-out list of what I’ve had for meals so far, and I’ll take suggestions as to what I should have to glutton myself over the next four and a half days… And just for fun I thought I’d see what the calorie count was – not that I really care, I’m just curious… This week isn’t about anything except eating what I want…

Monday – 4,915 Calories

B –      Cinnamon and Brown Sugar Pop Tarts

            Oatmeal

            Orange Juice

            Chocolate Shake

L –       Two Chilidogs on Kaiser Rolls

            Peanuts and Popcorn

            Two Pulled-Pork Sandwiches on Kaiser Rolls

            Baked Beans

            Chips and Dip

Sweet Cream, Fruit and Chocolate Dessert Taco

            Ice Cream Sunday

            Dr. Pepper

D –      Two Taco Bell Chalupas

            One Taco Bell Hard Taco

            Eight Otter Pops

            Dr. Pepper

 

Tuesday – 7,355 Calories

B –      Cinnamon Roll Oatmeal

            Orange Juice

            Three Quaker Chewy Granola Bars

L –      Hamburger with Bacon, Katchup, Pickles, Pepper Jack

            Shoestring Fries with Ranch Dipping Sauce

            Strawberry Lemonade

S –       Sour Gummy Jolly Ranchers

            3/4 Pound Salt Water Taffy

            Blue Raspberry Icee

D –      P.F. Chang’s:

Spicy Chang Shrimp

Mongolian Beef

Orange Chicken

Pepper Steak

Cashew Chicken

Braised Short Ribs

Chicken Fried Rice

Brown Rice

Chocolate Cream Pie

Wednesday – 2,814 Calories

B –      Two Fried Egss

            Smoked Bacon

            Hash Browns

            Extra Bacon

            Orange Juice

            Chocolate Milk

            Wheat Toast with Raspberry Jam

L –      Subway Chicken Breast Footlong with Honey Mustard

           Sweet Chili Doritoes

            Two White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

            One Chocolate Chip Cookie

            Dr. Pepper

So that gets us caught up to the present – I have four more days to get at it, so give me your ideas! We’re all go… as long as there’s no vegetables involved…

I’ll start running again next week – nothing serious, just some maintenance for the runs I’ve already signed up for… and of course to lose the 32 pounds that I’m gonna put on this week...