The Mag 8 Smackdown - FINALS

So we had quite a quarterfinal round, and now it’s on to the main event…

                    

–      Matt vs. Kellie

–      Husband vs. Wife

–      Risk Assessor vs. Hairdresser

–      Not Preggers vs. 6 Month’s Pregnant

–      Reading vs. Falling Asleep

–      The Wire vs. Friends

–      Beat-up Truck vs. Nissan

–      And so on and so forth…

So without any further ado… we go to the action!!!

After a rough battle with Tiff the day before, Matt is pretty close to being gassed – but he doesn’t let that hold him back… Kellie is more bruised than tired, after a grueling pounding by Joe that would have made Wolverine cry for his mommy (can you tell I’m totally going to see Wolverine tonight??) but she’s ready for anything…

Matt almost doesn’t seem like a test after Kellie survived Joe, but Matt’s short-distance attack and recoil moves are starting to frustrate Kell, who just can’t quite seem to block them or move quickly enough to counter… She’s growing more and more weary as Matt is gaining more and more momentum…

On a particularly effective lunge, Matt has Kell down on the ground and dazed, but he dare not move to finish her off just yet as he remembers all the other times when the ground’n’pound worked to her advantage… meanwhile Kellie takes the time that the referee is giving her and Matt is conceding to her, and summons the Power Of the Little Baby (POLB)… much like Greyskull, though without the mystic beams and cartoonish feel…

Now revived and buffeted by the new POLB, which can be toxic to some, but mitigated and strengthened by hormones, Kell goes on a rampage and knocks a surprised Matt to the ground several times – but she just can’t seem to get the final grip she needs to take him completely out…

After so many desperate attempts, Kell can no longer count on the POLB to give her what she needs, and she’s tired… Matt is still trying to recover from the lightning fast attacks that came wave after wave, and the fight has turned into a stand-up drunken punching match…

As both put all their effort into one last swing, Matt connects!! And Kellie connects!! And they both go to the ground Rocky-Creed style… they both lay there, unable to get up until the referee announces the winner… 

Kellie!! It seems that Kellie has rolled onto her stomach and is therefore in more of an upright position, making her the winner by referee’s decision…

So congrats Kell… enjoy it while it lasts!! Next year there will be a replacement for Ryan and Ash and who knows what will happen when you’re not pregnant!!

The Mag 8 Smackdown - Round Two

So calm down everybody, I know that I told you that I would have the second round matchups the day after the first round but there’s something you need to understand: “tomorrow” on a Friday generally means Monday, not Saturday.  The weekends do not lend themselves to blogging, unless there’s a special case… that and I’ve been really busy the last several days…

So at any rate, let’s get to the second round! 

                    Joe (1) vs. Kellie (4)

While Joe had it easy in the first round, Kellie had to fight just a little harder, but lucky for her Andy wasn’t that hard to bring down, but gave her just enough challenge to give her a taste for blood. Joe and Kellie both are the two most competitive people in the world, and with styles very different (Joe’s traditional kick-boxing vs. Kellie’s all-out drunken brawl) this should be an interesting fight despite the seedings…  

The first half of the fight goes to Joe, who’s mountain of experience in the ring (and his total disregard for Kellie’s pregnant status) along with his win-at-every-cost attitude serves him well.  He is able to repel Kellie at almost every turn, as her wild style is no match for his discipline and ability to take pain.  But she just won’t quit… she keeps coming and this confuses Joe… usually by this point his opponent has wilted and given up hope for even a normal life after a beating… 

But Kellie, buffeted by enough hormones for two and fueled by the most intense desire to win, not to mention the unseen strength of a full grown woman AND a little baby, fights back and uses her everywhere techniques to make Joe over-think the fight, and as it wears on, the more unraveled and wild his tactics become, opening him up to Kellie’s repeated attacks… until finally he makes a fatal error, not connecting on a rapacious attempt, allowing Kellie to get him right in the kitchen… knocking him on the chin, she dazes him enough to get him to the ground and into her patented “Baby Mama” submission hold…

And Kellie moves on to the next round… 

 

                    Matt (2) vs. Tiff (6)   

Matt has learned from the fatal mistake that Ryan made – insulting something close to Tiffany’s heart, so he steers clear of any derogatory references to Twilight (book or movie), art, Denio’s, photography, or adoption, which is a smart move that allows him to keep the fight on an even plane… 

Having already won her fight, Kellie skips the shower to cheer on Matt, and can be heard as the loudest person in the room, and also the scariest as I can’t very well reprint the atrocities that she would have Matt commit… I mean, there are children that read this blog… or at least grown-ups with the IQ and attention span of children… 

Anyway,  Matt’s stature doesn’t match up well with Tiff, and she has been working out pretty much non-stop with Joe, even on some days without him, so she’s gotten into good shape while Matt has played soccer one day a week… sometimes less… but pure tenacity along with his Gimli-like prowess of being very dangerous in short bursts serves Matt well… 

But Tiffany’s long frame and excellent conditioning allow her to stay in it for far longer than one would expect, especially from the often demure art teacher, but a length Matt’s repeated quick attacks are too much for Tiff, who decides that she can get better pictures and blog a more interesting story if she were to lose, which isn’t a stretch to do since she is being pummeled at every turn, so Matt wins on a final take-down where an exhausted Tiff decides not to get up… 

Tomorrow, stay tuned for the championship between Matt and Kellie, or as we over at ASPN have dubbed it, “Marriage Counseling: Extreme Edition” 

The Mag 8 Smackdown

So this morning in my personal email in-box I get a link from my cousin, Chris/James  (sidenote: I’ve always called him Chris but over the last few years, I think since he got married – Alicia – he’s been calling himself James… Not that I’m blaming her or anything, I mean she’s pretty rad, and for all I know he was calling himself that before… of course, you should have seen some of the hairdo’s that kid (yes, he’s older than me) had before he got married to… so if the name is part and parcel of the whole changed package, I’m in…)

Anyhoo… the link attached to a Final Four-type bracket that lists all of the extended family members engaged in a smackdown and who would come out on top… and naturally I made it to the finals… only to be beaten by Joyce, or as I’ve been calling her for awhile now… Mom…

So I decided to concoct my own mini-tourney of the Mag 8 – you seven who read me have been reading about the players for a while and now is the chance to get to know them a little better… The seeding is as follows:

1. Joe
2. Matt
3. Andy
4. Ryan
5. Kellie
6. Tiff
7. Steph
8. Ashley

Now you’ll look at the bracket and notice that I’m taking on Kellie instead of Ryan who’s numerically supposed to – that’s because like the real Final Four, two players from the same conference (read: relationship) can’t meet until the finals… Now let’s see how things play out…

**ROUND ONE** 

              Joe (1) vs. Ashley (8)     

In perhaps the most lopsided of the opening matches, akin to UNC vs. Northern Minnesota Institute for the Blind, Joe uses his superior size, experience and grit to pummel Ashley, who truth be told took one look at Joe and promptly exited stage left, leaving Joe standing victorious without throwing a punch… she then collected her fleece blanket so she could sit comfortably in the stands with some extra padding on the hard bleachers… 

               Matt (2) vs. Steph (7)     

In another one-sided bout, Matt comes through with a convincing win, spurred on by his wife who is yelling at him to “Finish her” and “Sweep the leg” even though Matt feels sorry for Steph, who remembered to bring her Mickey Mouse ears to the fight, but forgot her glasses so she couldn’t see what she was swinging at… 

              Andy (3) vs. Kellie (5)   

In the first upset of the day, a preggers and therefore hormonal Kellie augments her already hyper-competitive nature as she remembers all the board-game beat-downs leveled at her by yours truly – add that to her hours of time watching everything MMA and what you’re left with is a white-hot rage personified that can ground and pound… the fight lasts all of three seconds, and your blogger extraordinaire never stood a chance… 

               Ryan (4) vs. Tiff (6)      

This, expectedly so, is the closest match of the first round – Tiff with her superior height and keen knowledge of the human anatomy (you have to study the human body in art…) knows how to hurt a man… Ryan with his athleticism and bid-like bones tries to use his leaping ability, but falls short as he just can’t quite get past Tiff and her 6’1 wingspan.  Ryan also makes a tactical error by taunting and teasing Tiff about Twilight… which does not go over well… Tiff takes the opportunity to trounce Ryan, hitting him over the head with the Twilight four-book boxset as the final blow… 

TUNE IN FOR ROUND TWO TOMORROW!!  

Andy and the Governator

So in my new job I am lucky enough to work with some pretty heavy hitters - those people who in government get things done and wield a lot of power... As such we are invited and (in this case) organize events with people like this guy...

You may recognize the dude on the right as your faithful blogger, and the dude on the left as, well... if you don't know who that is... pooey on you and feel free never to talk to me again...

Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, GOODBYE! (Or, How I Hope Stephen A. Smith Falls In A Well...)

So many of you know how deep my disdain for sports figures can go - there are many who I like, many who I am ambivalent about, and several who I just plain can't stand.

I hate Stephen A. Smith - he's loud, rude, obnoxious, has a VERY CLEAR bias toward certain kinds of players in the league (read into that what you want) and now he's about to be JOBLESS just like 8.5% of America. 

Seriously, only Derek Fisher can make my blood boil as much as this guy - if you've ever heard his radio show, or commenting on ESPN it's like someone pried open my eardrums and started pouring really loud buckets of sharp implements and hammers.  No, that really didn't make much sense, but he was SO ANNOYING that I feel like I can get the point across...

I guess ESPN thought the same thing about the man who is almost as despised as hemorrhoids

 thanks to his weak catch-phrase ridden  on-air style and oftentimes pejorative and condescending "The louder I say it the more right I'll seem" style.  Or maybe the lease he signed with Satan to become so famous in the first place has just run out...

Did you ever know that guy who would use so many unnecessary big words that it makes them sound even dumber? That's Stephen A. - and as you know I've grown fond of including supporting videos, but I won't subject you to anything by him, mostly because I love you all deeply and don't want to see you get hurt, but also if you play it at work you'll probably get fired...

So here's to you ESPN, for finally stepping up and getting this guy OUTTA THERE!

Keep walking Stephen A... Keep walking...

National High Five Day - WOOT!

So, FINALLY they have come out with a day that I can get behind - something to get me ALMOST as excited as National Talk Like A Pirate Day (that's coming up on Sept. 19, BTW...) and that comes at a time when we as country need it most...

The idea comes from the University of Virginia, beacon of such memories as Thomas Jefferson's brain (not to mention his home), William Faulkner, Tina Fey, Dave Mathews (gross, I know... but still...), Edgar Allen Poe and of course, the Barber boys - both Ronde and Tiki...

The idea is to spread some spontaneous cheer by high-fiving friends, co-workers, and even strangers on the street... I was originally going to take this in a direction where I could go into the history of the high-five, seeing as how it originated at UVA and whatnot and they are all nuts about history, but instead I want you to enjoy some awesome videos of some of my favorite high-fives:

The "One-Sided" High-Five:

 

The "I'm So Smart I Never Needed to Learn How" High-Five,

Or, "I'm So Smart Because All I Do Is Study And I Don't Have Any Friends On Whom To Practice" High-Five: 

(Sidenote: watch this video and tell me how badly you want to hear the end of the host's question that gets cut off...)

 

The "Ultra-Tough, Semi-Homo Undertoned" High-Five:

 

The "I Taught You How To Do This So You'd Better DO IT Or I'm Not Feeding You" High-Five:

 

The "I'd Better Wash My Hand in Bleach Afterward" High-Five:

 

And my personal favorite, the "Old Men Trying to Be Young and Hip" High-Five:

 

So go out and give a stranger some spontaneous joy by way of a friendly high-five - someone who is out walking the streets and looking for work... an no, I'm not talking about hookers - I would stay away from high-fiving them... Gonorrhea of the hand is terrible... so they tell me...

Britain's Got Talent - REDUX with Susan Boyle

So those of you who I interact with on a daily basis (nearly every one of the seven people who read this blog) know that I, just like all of us, love a good internet sensation, but don't really post on those...

This is a blog about me, my life, and the adventures that I have with my friends and whatnot - but this time I feel obliged to introduce you all, unless you've already seen it of course, and then I just refresh your memory of Susan Boyle of Britain's Got Talent, the Simon Cowell-produced show that, well, is exactly what you would infer from the name... I'll let the video play the rest:

So yes, it was amazing - even more amazing when you add the performance to the little act that she had going on in the beginning - I mean, who besides JOE does a pelvic thrust in front of an audience anymore?? 

But seriously, this "unemployed but still looking" woman, who is facing the problems that so many people are facing, in a country experiencing a worse recession than we are, and singing an ABSOLUTELY appropriate song that for so many could be a tragic anthem to the despair and hopelessness of our time - and ironically, with that song Susan Boyle saw one dream realized, and at the same time gives us (well, me at least...) some inspiration to look towards the future...

That and I love to see cynical judges eat crow...

But this video struck me as amazing, and I had almost the same reaction to when I first head Paul Potts sing on the same show:



As the Brits say, "Beautiful, In'it..."

CDU - Day Five (Or, How I Almost Became An Amputee...)

So today we split from the girls and had a guys'and girls' individual day - the girls did some shopping and drinking of margarritas (v's of course) and we went ATV riding on an adventure... And boy was it ever an adventure... picture time...

And yes, I know there's not many pictures, but that's because there wasn't much time for pictures while we were ATVing - that and the fact the video will give you a pretty good description of what it's all about...


So we got to the ranch and saddled up - this is Matt in the foreground and Joe in the background, sandwiching Dude from Washington and his son, who we shared a shuttle ride over with, driven by Jose, who told us all about the Easter weekend festivities in Cabo San Jose where they celebrate Semana Santa by hosting wet t-shirt contests... think I'll sit that one out... only in Cabo...


After a pretty long 45-minute ride on the ATVs, where we were stuck more often than not going single file behind Senora "I don't want to go fast because my stupid kid is on the back of my four wheeler" - I mean really, get behind us so we can do what we want... - but I digress - after the long ride out there we finally got to the freestyle area, where we had carte blanche to do what we wanted... and do what we wanted we did... this is us at one of the more picturesque locals...


And this is Matt and Joe getting read to take off from another of the high spots... I think this would be an appropriate time to show the quickly-edited video I made of the off-roading adventure - and you're going to want to pay particular close attention to the jumping... the first one is Joe, the second is Matt and then there's me... you'll notice a pretty big difference between the first two and myself...



There are a few things to note about my injury:

1. I feel fine, thanks for asking...
2. Did you notice how Matt predicted I was going to fall? How well does that dude know me??
3. Also notice that Joe went off running for the ATV, not to make sure I was okay... but that's because...
4. I was laughing from the time I jumped from the vehicle to the time I was on the ground to the time I caught up with Joe salvaging the ATV from literally a nest of cacti and maka bushes


And yes, I am proud of my injuries (this knee being only the worst of several that I have throughout my body after that jump) - any real adventurer will tell you that they're badges of honor and you should hold your head high when you have them - so I wanted to make sure you got a good look...

The ATVs were awesome, and we got awesomely dirty, which was another cool thing that guys love, aside from being wounded every now and then...

After we got back we had a casual dinner in of grilled hamburgers and marinated chicken breast - Kell did a great job of marinating, and Joe did a great job of grilling... After that Tiff took us out to take pictures of the sunset, but unfortunately it sets on the wrong side of us so we couldn't see much because of all the condos in the way...


So we ended up after that getting desert and margaritas at the place that Kell and Tiff had discovered before (pictured above) - the drinks (v's of course) were amazing and the deserts - flan, fried ice cream, and crepes with goat caramel (yes, that's right...) were all TERRIBLE!

But at least the Margaritas were good (sidenote: yesterday we ate at Senor Sweets for desert and it was AMAZE - but Matt ordered Oreo Gelato and a chocolate chip cookie, and he got instead almond gelatto and an M&M cookie - no big deal because it was still delicious... but then today he ordered a pineapple margarita and got a coconut one - again no big deal because it was delicious, but we're starting to think that Mexican deserts hate Matt... and we can't really figure out why...)

At any rate, tomorrow is out last full day here... so stay tuned for some real fun, and pray for my leg...

CDU - Day Four

So I know you are all probably getting tired of this, but it was another beautiful day here. Just to give you a snapshot of the weather (and really you could just look at Tiff's beautiful photos for that - again, if you missed it, almost all the photos are being taken by Tiff) it's been highs of around 85 and lows around 62 here all week we've been here - and absolutely gorgeously sunny... is gorgeously a word? Who knows... but you sure as hell know what I'm talking about now don't you...

But it's pretty late and I'm pretty tired - I had a mid-level run this morning of eight miles that went fine, except that I find myself waking up with the sunrise... not exactly helpful in the "get as much sleep as you can during running days" thing, but who cares... I'm on vacation...

So today we started out heading to the same place where we were met with monstrous waves as day one... and on one of the first waves of the day Poseiden decided to exact revenge on every single person who beat him up and took his lunch money and concentrate every drop of that revenge on me... in the form of so much water in my ear that I thought I popped my eardrum... seriously there's still water in it, and it HURT all day - and I can't hear much out of my left side... not good... then we went snorkling on the other side of the land mass, and I'll let the pictures do the rest of the talking...

So yes, for the millionth time we boarded a boat and set sail for other beaches, not that I'm complaining... (sidenote: I have to give props to Elias, or water taxi guide on the Maria Bonita II that we took every time we headed over to Lover's/Divorce Beach - the guy was funny, non-pushy, and even called the Coast Guard in to help an idiot waverunner who lookedlike he was going to get smashed on the rocks after he flooded his engine. Elias was a rad dude and had a fair price to get you out there, so if you're ever in Cabo, don't just jump on the first water taxi that solicits you (and BOY will they solicit you...) just try to find Elias...)

Like I said before, we went out to get our butts handed to us again by the ocean - you can see just how big those waves are in this picture... but it wasn't just the size - it was the fact that they were breaking in three inches of water, really really close to the shoreline, that made them so dangerous...

But some of the waves weren't really that big, so we ended up just jumping them which was fun too... especially for Joe who went from diving INTO waves...

...to toppling OVER waves... and yes, this is the same wave in a great sequence shot by Tiff... the funnier thing is that this was one of TWO series of the exact same motion on two different waves that I had to choose from to include... Joe "Greg Luganis" Cunliffe ladies and gentlemen...

After the waves had us sufficiently beaten - and leaving my eardrum feeling like Tito Puente just had a sixteen hour jam session with Ringo - we decided to try for a secluded spot of beach that we saw from the boat on the way over... this hole was the only way in, so Matt, Joe and I headed over while Tiff and Kellie contorted themselves through a hole that looked like they were getting birthed from the rock. It was worth it though, the beach only had three other people on it and it was rad, so...

...we did what we do best - Tiff made art while Kellie slept, and the boys and me went off to find an adventure complete with snorkel masks and breathing apperati...

And we headed out into the water... I know you feel like you've seen enough of us snorkling, but I have another rudementary video montage for you... check it out:

We got to have a lot more freedom this time than when we were with the group, and we saw a lot of amazing things in the ocean floor - who knew tuna swam that close? There was no real reef, but there were rock formations where some really cool fish hung out... but you get the picture...

These last two are nothing more then pictures that I think are cool of the snorkling... (sidenote: Tiff's camera and the Felts' camera are both rad for different reasons - Tiff's, as you've seen, just takes amazing pictures and has a general level of sophistication that leaves those of us who are amatuers in awe... Meanwhile the Felts' camera is super-bad-a$@ because it's waterproof and can take videos, which means it level of awesomeness is high up there... this was a great trip because we had both, and luckily I am learning how to weild the Felts' while Tiff was in full picture0taking mode...) - anyway, this is Joe chasing a fish...

And this is my hand brushing the bottom of the ocean - too bad you can't see the tan here... but trust me, it's there...

So tomorrow who knows what's in store... most likely more beach activity... but pray for me that this blasted ear does whatever it needs to do... ugh...

CDU - Day Three

So today we decided to take it easy - I got up early and ran and by the time I got back everyone was up. Tiff wanted to check out the open-air market so we decided to actually get dressed today (instead of the board shorts and t-shirts that we've been living in during the day up until now) and take a walk down the pier and check it out.

We had a casual stroll and Tiff was in full-picture taking mode... take a look at the day...

So like I said, Tiff was in full picture taking mode - starting with these shots outside the mall close to our condo - notice the interplay of green, natural palm trees with the cement patterns... beautiful... or something like that...

And of course Tiff made us stop at the Hooter's across the marina and pose for this dandy... I thought about not including it here, but then decided that the seven people who read this blog regularly already think I'm a pretty big dork, so no harm done...

And yes, there was a guy peddling the chance to take pictures with his iguana (no, not a euphamism) with a sombrero on... and Tiff jumped at that chance as well... and I thought I'd play a little bit of picture ninja...

So after the market and lunch, we decided that we'd take it easy and chill at the pool the rest of the day... this is our pool at the condo...

And of course we played pool games - first the frisbee game (sidenote: it's impossible to find a frisbee in Cabo, so if you want one down here, bring your own. We couldn't find one anywhere, and we looked hard, until we boarded the Pirate Ship yesterday and bought one of their souveniers... so now our frisbee has a Jolly Roger on it...) that we made up during the Scott's Flat campount as presented by Poseiden last year, where you simply toss the disc from on to the other, catching it while jumping and then tossing it before you hit the ground.

Then we played that but we added a Nerf football (another sidenote - there is no Nerf in Mexico, so this was a Nerf-type football, called a POOF... and no, I'm not making that up...) so we were throwing two things back and forth... then we did it with one hand behind our backs (considerably more difficult) and then we bagged that and went to the competitive game that we affectionately called "The Game Where We See Who Can Find the Hidden Peso Coin First" which is exactly what it sounds like... we played four round, one vs. another, and I lost all four...

The pool is also where Joe decided to start dressing like Jesus' homeboy of Nazareth...

After a trip to Wal-Mart to replenish supplies, we made dinner at home and saw a pretty cool three-second firework show that the cruise ships out in the harbour - it was actually probably longer than that, but we just noticed them on the tail end... oh well, I'm sure there'll be more tomorrow... there are a ton of cruise ships here...


And then we ended the night going to this really nice club called The Zoo... where, yes, they had a guy dressed up as a gorilla in a Lakers jersey making sure everyone had a good time... we were, of course, treated like the VIPs that were are and shown to a reserved section of the club... my weren't they dissapointed when we ordered three waters and two virgin daqueries the whole night - HA!

Oh, and yes, there were pictures of lions humping on the walls, and a cage for the girls to dance in, just in case you were wondering, and yes, I did get hit on (being the only single guy in our group) by a group of middle-aged physical therapists from Orange County... I guess I attract all types... either that or it was really dark in the club and they thought I was old...

Stay tuned for more beach fun tomorrow... WOOT!