Wednesday Grab Bag

So the loyal followers of my blog (all seven of you) will recognize this as my semi-monthly rambling post of things that I find amusing but can't really (sidenote: I just spelled 'really' twice... the first time with only one 'L' and then again with two... I kept going back and forth thinking which one looked right... then I realized that I have college degrees... multiple ones... but sometimes I forget how to spell simple words... and I kind of hate myself... sue me...)

At any rate, I haven't come up with an appropriate name for this type of entry... I'm test-driving "Grab Bag" - In the past it's been "Miscellany" - Thoughts? Suggestions? Anyway, here we go!

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I don't get fortune cookies... Don't get me wrong -- I don't have a problem taking advice from a cookie, but aren't there more reputable cookies around? Fortune cookies are pretty much the worst tasting cookie ever, besides those cookies that my nephew Will makes out of random ingredients in the kitchen when my mom's cooking and he wants to feel included... But I digress... why would you listen to a cookie that's so terrible? Focus on being a halfway decent cookie for a while, and when you've got that down, come back and tell me about my hidden talents that will soon become obvious to those around me...

An Oreo -- now there's a cookie I'd listen to... I'd take stock tips from an Oreo. Even in this economy. I'd buy a house from an Oreo. Even in the economy. And between you and me, if one of those Girl Scout cookies with the peanut butter and chocolate told me to, I'd kill a man...

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To the people who make "easy-open" and "child-proof" packages: Stop it - you're just making me feel like an idiot because I can't get the damn thing open...

At least it used to be simple... in the old days I could just complain about how they make packages impossible to open while frantically trying to tear a bottle of child-safe Tylenol apart before my head splits down the middle... Now even the soda cases I can't open - I have to stick my finger in this spot and pull up, then push push down and then stroke it side to side for a while, and eventually I give up and just end up ripping the box in two like a hungry wolverine...

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To the makers of refrigerator magnets: I love you, I love collecting magnets and putting them up, like little plastic and ceramic reminders of where I've been and who brought me souveniers... But come on... would it kill you to make them an eighth of an inch thicker?

What the hell am I supposed to be sticking to my fridge with these things, dryer sheets? Every time I walk past the fridge, I'm attacked by a flurry of Christmas cards and pizza coupons and soccer schedules and baseball tickets and whatever else I choose to stick on my fridge... I understand that your primary purpose is to amuse and advertise, but could you at least pretend that you care about holding my crap to the fridge?

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So that's all folks... until next time when I need to empty the rattling-around-ings of the 'ole head jello...